Roy Scheider Dead at 75.

The man who introduced a young and impressionable Cason to the phrase “Smile you son of a bitch!” has passed away. I will miss you Roy, know that Blue Thunder was a masterpiece, and you will be missed.

Here are some of his highlights:

The French Connection - 1971

Klute - 1971

Jaws - 1975

Marathon Man - 1976

All That Jazz - 1979

Blue Thunder - 1983

2010 - 1984

Naked Lunch - 1991

RKO 281 - 1999

The Punisher - 2004

He also played the president of the United States in 3 films, and hosted Saturday Night Live once.

Baby I'm Back.

OK, so it’s been a while, I know, and I understand if you don’t want me back after all this time, but hear me out. I was really bored, so I decided to come back to you. Doesn’t that make you feel better? I knew you’d understand.

So I don’t think I should write about the presidential primaries at all, because it would just be a big meandering mess.

I don’t think I should write about Heath Ledger because, for some reason, people are getting really touchy about it like they knew the guy or something.

I shall write about something very important to so many Americans, and so many people, young and old, around the world. Britney Spears.

Here is the story in a nutshell; Britney has lost her damn mind. She is merely moments away from a hellish, feces throwing, fit of unimaginable rage and odd sexiness, and everyone loves it. Why on earth does the gossip loving public get so drawn in by this stuff. Would they really like to see anyone else go insane on tv? I mean like real insane, not like some mob boss pretending to be nuts by wearing a bathrobe to court so he doesn’t have to go to Rikers, I mean like actual, real deal, bona fide wacky.

I think a lot of it has to do with people getting all gleeful about the rise and fall of others. You get to look at a celebrity, once praised and worshipped all over the world, and see he vagina when she’s coming out of a car, because she’s too drunk to notice the breeze. We all get a good laugh, when she shaves her head on a whim, and starts talking in a british accent. It makes us all feel better about ourselves.

So think about it today while you read up on the latest Britney comes out of the hospital story, and while you are rubbing your hands together, reveling in her career suicide, ponder to yourself if it would be that funny if you were related to her.

P.S. - I really love Sarah Silverman

Top 5 Movies – Part 8 of 32

Part 8 of 8 in the Comedy Category

General Comedy (alphabetical)

This is the spot where I will put some films that don’t really fit into any of the other sub-genres, but I would be remise if I didn’t have them on here somewhere. Of course there are some really great movies that won’t make it on here, but thems the breaks.


Monty Python & The Holy Grail

No one can reasonably argue that Monty Python has nothing. I personally think they hit on about 90% of the stuff they throw out there, and it mesmerizes me as to how they kept up such a consistent level of greatness. While The Holy Grail is the film most likely to be quoted by a 21-year-old virgin computer geek, it still has some real value to those of us who understand how to mingle with other humans. The basic premise is that King Arthur assembles his knights of the round table, and goes hunting for the Holy Grail, the names are the same as the ancient myth, but that’s where the similarities end. The long-standing genius of Python is that they are brutal when it comes to making fun of the British, and the French. I keep trying to pick out parts that are noteworthy, but I think it’s just hilarious from beginning to end. If you are starting to get into films, and you haven’t seen this, put this on the top of the Netflix queue.
Favorite Line: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Office Space

There are very few films that can really relate to almost everyone at the same time. This is why this one is so terrific. Everyone that has had a shitty job feels every joke, and can totally empathize with the plight of all of these characters. Sitting in a cubicle all day, watching life float by you is precisely where a lot of us are. And even if you have a dream job, and have never been put down by the proverbial man, then you can still really enjoy the movies jokes, and have yourself more than a few laugh-out-loud moments.
Favorite Line: Hey Peter, man, check out channel 9, it's the breast exams!

Smokey & The Bandit

I went back and forth on putting this one on here. It is a great movie, of that I have no doubt, but if you saw part 2, or god forbid part 3, you can see just how tenuous a line that it walks on. The second one is obviously just an excuse to get old friends together and make a movie, it is a totally pile of filth. The story goes like this: The Bandit and the Snowman are paid quite a bit of money to transport a large load of Coors beer across state lines, which was apparently against the law back then. They are moving along just fine, when they encounter the lovely young Sally Field, and as a result, incur the wrath of the maniacal Sheriff Buford T. Justice whose son was just left at the altar by said Sally Field. The rest of the film is Justice in “hot pursuit” of the Bandit. The genius of this one is that you can take a very pedestrian concept, and a no so amazing script, and really capture a moment that everyone just loves for no apparent reason. I just can’t watch this one without smiling from ear to ear!
Favorite Line: There's no way, NO way that you came from MY loins. Soon as I get home, first thing I'm gonna do is punch yo mamma in da mouth!

Stripes

I can’t even think about this movie without laughing. If you just think about the cast of this movie it makes you laugh! Bill Murray, Harold Ramis, John Candy, John Laroquette, Judge Reinhold, Sean Young, etc.. Bill Murray and Harold Ramis are fed up with their stagnant lives in their late twenties, so they decide to be all that they can be and join the Army. Hillarity ensues, when they are not very gung ho about the whole discipline angle of the military. Unfortunately they might be the best we have! It gets even more ridiculous when you realize it is sets upon the backdrop of the Cold War, and it was a very serious time, when virtually everyone was convinced that we could be in an all out war with the USSR at any time. The smooth delivery of Bill Murray is the star of this flick, and it just gets better as the film goes on. Just remember to watch it on DVD or on HBO, because they have to cut quite a bit out of it to get it on TV.
Favorite Line: I've always been kind of a pacifist. When I was a kid, my father told me, "Never hit anyone in anger, unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it." I don't know what kind of soldier I'm gonna make, but I want you guys to know that if we ever get into really heavy combat... I'll be right behind you guys. Every step of the way.

Zoolander

When I first saw this movie I didn’t actually like it very much, so if you’ve seen it once, and didn’t really get it, go see it again. This was really the opening salvo to the comedy careers of people like Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, and Will Ferrell. Ben Stiller plays a male model who is so vapid, that he makes the perfect candidate to be brainwashed into killing the Malaysian Prime Minister. There are bits within bits, and jokes within jokes all over the place. There are things in there that I saw the first time and barely chuckled at it, but upon further review, it killed me!
Favorite Line: So I'm repelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize "Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn't some of this maybe be in your head?"

Academy Awards

OK, I’m sure most people watched the Oscars last night, and I have some thoughts.

1. I’m glad that we finally tore down that horrible practice of excluding Gangsta rappers from the Academy Awards.

2. Jon Stewart was funny, I’ve heard some stuff on the radio saying that he was mediocre, but I thought he was the tits. I especially liked the opening bit where they went through all of the previous hosts as they said no. It’s a shame that the oh so pompous Hollywood crowd isn’t smart enough to get his humor. One of my favorite jokes was when he was introducing Luke & Owen Wilson, “Here is a family with two talented brothers, which is the same you could say about the Baldwin’s”. I thought it was funny, but there were crickets. Oh, they’ll give a long protracted standing ovation to a fugitive ass-raping pedophile (Roman Polanski), but some gentle ribbing humor, that’s over the line.

3. Can we have more crappy montages please? I remember seeing the award for best make-up where there was a dude and a chick who won, and the dude went too long, so the chick got completely cut off. The same thing happened when crash won best screenplay. We cut off the speeches of people who actually won awards, but we can spend twenty minutes looking at stupid montages that were nothing but boring and out of place?

4. Rachel Weisz has large jiggly cans. Jennifer Garner is totally adorable. There is something very wrong with Reese Witherspoon’s forehead. J-Lo has been working the same tired look for too long. Uma Thurman is still very hot. What the fuck was the deal with the gigantic bow on Charlize Theron’s shoulder?

5. Was anyone else totally uncomfortable with how bad Lauren Bacall was failing?

6. Who was that crazy broad who got so excited that her boobs popped out of her dress when Crash won Best Picture?

7. I’d like to toot my own horn for a minute. I have not seen Crash, Capote, Brokeback Mountain, The Constant Gardner, Transamerica, Syriana, or Wallace & Grommit. However, because I understand the Hollywood agenda, I predicted all of the major awards the day the nominations came out, and I got 7 of 9 right. Check out my post here. I picked Felicity Huffman for best actress, and Reese Witherspoon won, and let me tell you, I saw Walk the Line, and Reese didn’t do anything special. I thought she was better in Vanity Fair. I missed Supp. Actor, I picked Jake Gyllenhaal. I thought that maybe some people would vote for Clooney in either supp. Actor or director, and he would split so much to win neither. All that said, I am the bomb diggity.

European Douchebags

I hate how everyone around the world looks down their noses at us as Americans. Europeans especially loathe us, as the old money rich look down at the nouveau riche. I’ve had so many people tell me about how we “ugly Americans” are ruining the world, and we are just big stupid bullies.

Well, I would like to show exhibit A to show why Europeans are reactionary, idiotic, self-important, douche-bags.

As we all know, there are quite a few violent ragers going on in the Middle East to protest the publishing of a cartoon in many European countries, depicting the Islamic prophet Mohammed with a bomb on his head as if it were a turban. The problem is that Islam holds that it is sacrilegious to create any image of Mohammed. The support for the decision to publish the cartoon has been solid. A vast majority of Europeans believe that the freedom of the press is more important than ensuring that people aren’t offended.

Now…

Yesterday in Great Britain, a man pled guilty, and accepted a three-year prison sentence for denying that the holocaust happened. There is a law in Great Britain that criminalizes any denial or justification of the holocaust. The man was a historian who wrote a book showing what he believed was evidence that there were in fact no gas chambers, and no Jews were murdered by the Germans during WWII.

So wait, we are encouraged to offend the deeply held, albeit confusing, religious beliefs of Muslims, but we can’t be stupid enough to think that the holocaust ever happened? Does that make sense to anyone? Trust me, I am just as crazy about Muslims killing and burning, and bombing because of their fringe religious views. Whenever I think about someone torturing or killing anyone in the name of religion, it just makes me want to believe in hell, so I can have some comfort that they will be dealt with properly in the end. But you cannot justify that incredible hypocrisy here! I think that anyone denying the holocaust is a moron, and I think that it is dangerous to start limiting what the press may print because you are worried about offending someone, I think that the cartoon, and the filth about the holocaust should be protected. It is the responsibility of the people to choose to not be offended, and the law should never get involved in thought police.